Ok OK, I'm late I'm sorry. Apparently Danny Tats (the dude with a tatoo on his head) is more exciting than me biffing it on the streets of Omaha. Thanks a lot.
Ok, readers, here he is:
I thought I could say crazy creepers were limited to the streets of North Dakota. Maybe they fly south for winter.
Name: Danny Tats
Occupation: professional rugby player... anyone believe that?
Hometown: Council Bluffs... maybe that explains it...
I met Danny at a Dundee pub with Kelli M. She and I go way back to the days of actually living in Ireland, so in addition to natural curiosity about a index card-sized tattoo above a dude's ear, we actually knew what we were talking about. Danny, however, didn't.
Normally, I'd wait a drink or two before asking a stranger why he'd do something not only so painful, but downright absurd, but Danny beat me to the vodka-spiked punch. Soon, I was three shots to the wind, believing everything he said about cracking his skull, ski-diving over the Middle East and earning $1.3 million a year.
So tell me about your other tattoos, I said.
Off came his shirt and on came the story of Irish Catholics and their belief that when Jesus comes back, he'll be PISSED, he said.
Huh, Kelli and I thought, we're Irish Catholic. We've even LIVED in Ireland. We don't recall... we said.
Well, this is what it will look like, he said, pointing to Jesus and his bloody spatula dicing sheep and filleting them on a george forman grill.
Again, not what I learned in Sunday School and second, what's the son of god doing slaying sheep with a SPATULA? Couldn't he send an angel of death, swarm of locusts or at least an AK-47 or something?
The best part of the evening was the rugby player's business card which says nothing about rugby or any other sport but rather talks about some American arms company, complete with a handgun emblem in the corner. Only millionaires have handguns on their business cards. Sexy.
Oh I'm not done.
He hand-wrote both his NAME and his PHONE number on the business card. Now if your name, number and e-mail address aren't on your business card, what's the point of carrying one?
I guess I shouldn't make too much fun... I lied/omitted the truth too. I told him I'd go out with him sometime.
I am actually leaving the house tomorrow. WTF. - So tomorrow (Tuesday) I’m actually leaving the house and driving to Austin to be “IN CONVERSATION WITH” Samantha Irby (aka BitchesGottaEat). I never do “I...
2 days ago