Monday, August 31, 2009
brief respite
Saturday, August 29, 2009
the addict returns
Friday, August 28, 2009
purple people eater
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Country picnic
At city potluck picnics, children play, men show their muscles and women dress in summer clothes and gossip about the neighbors and friends who didn’t attend.
Summer clothes: Apparel that is totally unsuitable for outdoor activities, namely short dresses, beaded jewelry and sandals with heels. If you don’t believe me, check out these stiletto-savers, designed to protect your sandals from the sand. Seriously.
In the country, both women and men where t-shirts and jeans shorts.
Jean shorts: Apparel no city girl EVER wears because the clothing is too short, too long or too unflattering. Unless she’s 7, denim in that pattern does not occur naturally on city-folk. Jean skirts maybe. Or capri shorts. I don’t even know a store sells jean shorts for women. But really, they aren't unflattering and jeans shorts may even be practical. But that still doesn't mean I'll wear them...
The country girl in my told me to wear capris. They’re more sensible. They’re more conservative. And they’ll hide your pale skin, she said. But the city girl in me wanted some sun (tan). And she knows how to bust some cap.
So a dress it was. With polka dots. And a necklace so long it caressed my belly button. And white, chucky-heeled sandals accessorized my "Pistol Packin' Pink nail polish.
No one stared at me when I arrived, but maybe that’s because they were wearing sunglasses. And tennis shoes.
You can’t be playing softball in that, they said.
(Not "you can't play softball," rather, "you can't be playing softball" in that)
But my question was: Softball?
Where I come from, the boys play softball and the ladies drink lemonade and talk about where they got their hair highlighted.
What do you mean softball?
That’s OK, they said. We’re playing egg toss first, anyways. Husbands and wives are on the same team.
(awkward pause)
And, er... boyfriend and girlfriends too.
So there we were. Me in my dress and Cowboy is his cut-off sleeves, throwing raw eggs at each other.
Don’t mess up, Kate, I whispered to myself. DO NOT mess up.
The first tosses were fine. Toss. Catch. Baby step back. Toss. Catch. Baby step back.
One couple down.
Phew, we didn’t get last, I thought.
Then another. And another.
Pressure’s on, I thought.
Standing 12 feet apart, Cowboy lofts one to me, 5 feet short.
Oh four-letter-word, I said, recalling my days as a tomboy and diving for that egg like it was a Hail Mary Pass and I was in the end zone.
WHOOO HOOO, they cried.
She caught it! ...in heels! one said.
Now put that picture in the paper, said another.
After a victory dance mimicking that of Chad Johnson, Cowboy and I had two other teams to beat. If we made it this far, we might as well aim for total egg shell domination.
At least until it was my turn to throw.
Suddenly, I didn't care about the mud in my toes or the wind flying up my skirt. It didn't matter that the breeze had blown the curls out of my hair or that mosquitoes were biting at my legs. I didn't even notice the pink rings on my shoulders left from a cocktail of perspiration and red spaghetti straps.
My arms, by the way, are made of steel, just ask those 40 pound sandbags. But tossing an egg 15 feet is well, quite a feat.
So instead of tossing the egg and letting it land short, I side-armed the egg like a baseball, chucking it from Point A to Point B.
It broke.
Egg yolk all over Cowboy and his cut-off sleeves, staining his t-shit and soiling his redneck dreams.
He’ll need new clothes, I thought. ...So if this is country, I dreamed, hand me another egg.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
left to my lonesome
country cruisin'
The other day I was driving in the right hand lane of a four-lane highway. I switched to the left to pass a Slower-Moving Vehicle. Without warning, said S.M.V. switched to the left lane, a mere meter between her car and mine.
Weird, I thought. No one would enter the left lane in front of a someone who is quite obviously passing them. Maybe she has to turn soon...?
Nope.
So I passed her. In the right lane.
My dad would be so proud.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
why i'll NEVER be country
Me: Why do you have toilet paper in your truck?
Cowboy: I don’t think I need to tell you that, Kate.
Me: (pause...) Are you serious?
Cowboy: Sometimes I work in the middle of nowhere and there’s no toilet around.
Me: Ok, enough said.
Cowboy: Boys use toilet paper too, you know.
Me: SERIOUSLY. Enough said.
Cowboy: It’s not so bad once you get used to it.
Me: That’s why I’m a city girl. So I don’t have to get used to it.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
wallet wise
Friday, August 14, 2009
choke me for my chokecherry
In my attempts to be a good little country girl, I force myself to try new things: food included. It’s very difficult.
One of the foods I recommend is southeastern North Dakotan at worst and regional at best. So I’m sorry to make your mouth water, but you likely won’t find this at your grocery stores. I don’t know if the treat just isn’t as popular in Manchester, Iowa or Tuscon, Ariz., or if maybe the gods who listen when you pray just don’t love you as much as they love me, but if I could choose a way to die, I’d pick drowning. In chokecherry jelly.
Now, I’ve tasted delicious regional treats before. I even posted an e-mail I wrote about my kuchen-baking-and-ultimately-dropping experience last year.
And while kuchens and knoephlas and lefses and sauerkraut can be tasty, I’d say chokecherry jelly tops both Billboard’s Adult Contemporary and its chart of Hip Hop/R&B.
Take, for instance, the day Cowboy and I made pancakes with chokecherry syrup. The story is, Cowboy’s grandmother attempted to make chokecherry jelly, but when it didn’t set correctly, she jarred it anyway and called it syrup.
She did me a favor.
Basically, I got a chokecherry REJECT and yet I still knelt before the jar, faced Mecca, painted blood around my door and offered my first-born son in hopes that this Manna from heaven would rain on me forever. Screw water, send me some chokecherry.
So naturally, the side dish to any syrup is pancakes. And since I no longer believe in grocery shopping, I had zero pancake mix in my cupboard.
No bother.
I may have lost my faith in Leever’s Supervalue, but cook books: they have me singing HALLELUJAH.
So I plucked my latest used-bookstore purchase, dusted its cover and turned to page 44, Oatmeal Pancakes.
The directions say this recipe should yield four servings for a total of nine pancakes, but they obviously weren't feeding cowboys. I was. So my recipe fed two. And it yielded five pancakes: one mini, four large and one super-sized.
The recipe book calls for this:
* 1/2 cup quick-cooking or old-fashioned oats
* 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
* 1/4 cup whole wheat four
* 1 T sugar
* 1 tsp. baking powder
* 1/2 tsp. baking soda
* 1/2 tsp. salt
* 3/4 cup buttermilk
* 1/4 cup skim milk
* 2 egg whites
* 2 T canola or soybean oil
Since I would never purchase something as expiration date-y as buttermilk, I used all skim instead. And since I’d never heard of soybean oil, I used olive. (It’s what I had. Don’t judge).
So my recipe looked like this:
* 1/2 cup quick-cooking or old-fashioned oats
* 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
* 1/4 cup whole wheat four
* 1 T sugar
* 1 tsp. baking powder
* 1/2 tsp. baking soda
* 1/2 tsp. salt
* 3/4 cup buttermilk
* 1/4 ONE cup skim milk
* 2 egg whites
* 2 T canola or soybean OLIVE oil
If I don’t mention here that while I was the pancake mixer, Cowboy was the pancake flipper, he’d forever refuse worming my fish hooks. And that punishment, I just cannot bear.
So there.
He flipped pancakes. And he didn’t burn them. While wearing an apron. And singing Shania Twain's "Man... I feel like a woman."
What resulted was something I should have photographed, because likely, the Guinness Book of World Records would have included it in its registry of best pancakes in the WHOLE. WIDE. WORLD. That’s how good they were.
Now, I don’t write this to torture you (too much). And, I’m sure you’re Amazon.com-ing “chokecherry jelly” right now. Perhaps, by some act of contrition, you can purchase a jar of your own. Well, you can. But likely, it’s no better than Kool-Aid, Pop Tarts or some other cardboard-boxed rendition of homemade goodness that never compares to fresh-squeezed orange juice or grandma’s baked biscuits.
That, and 11 ounces costs $8.99. EIGHT NINETY-NINE. I can guarantee North Dakotans aren’t paying 9 bucks for chokecherry anything, unless you can use it to bait fish.
So, if you live outside the Upper Plains region and are willing to profess your undying affection for me in 500 words or less, I will send you some. Don’t expect the straight from the stove stuff I’ve got, yours will be from the store. But it will be the homemade stuff, sold in stores, if you know what I mean.
P.S.: Careful what you write. It may will show up on this blog.
Now wipe the drool off your face and get back to work :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
kuchen again
For the 14 months I've lived here, I've heard, smelled and tasted various German dishes I never knew existed throughout my 23 years as a member of the blank, blank, and blankity blank families (no names, no creepers).
On Tuesday, Leslie, a friend from our server days who shares a love of travel and a hate of idiot men, and I gathered our spatulas and borrowed rolling pins and headed for the hills of Jamestown High School where we could feel our thighs thicken before we'd even entered the room. If you guessed we were there to learn, you'd be correct. Two 20-somethings signed up for a cooking class along with mothers, grandmothers and married women intent on finding us husbands. In true Katie-fashion, Leslie and I were the only women sans-engagement bands there.
Naturally, we were the only women sans-culinary skills as well.
The class we'd signed up for was a $15 kuchen (coo-gin, like begin but without the be-) baking class offered by the local Career and Technology Center. Kuchen is a German dessert made with pie-like crust, custard and various kinds of filling including peach, blueberry, apple and the most popular: prune and cottage cheese.
The first order of business was the rolling of the dough which, after the teacher did it, seemed simple. She lied.
My first problem was getting the grapefruit-sized lump to stop adhering to my rolling pin despite my shaking it like a fly swatter in an attempt to get it off.
Flour Kaite, one woman whispered. I know, I lied.
Soon, my crust was as flat as Christina Aguilera in her "Genie in a Bottle" days but like unlike most small-chested women, my dough had curves. Not the round, circular, 360 degrees ones like the crusts of my classmates, but rather, mine had curves similar to that of a two-handled ping-pong paddle.
Despite this, I kept rolling along thinking sooner or later, it all would even out. I was wrong.
Better just to start a fresh with yours, the teacher said, without bothering to lower her voice. The other students looked at me like Katie Couric looked at Sarah Palin, "What's WRONG with you?" they thought. "You'll NEVER get married rolling dough like that."
Awesome.
So after some extra help by both the teacher AND the woman standing to my right, finally my crust was ready for its tin. This job I could do. I folded my crust in half and kneaded it in place without any extra assistance. Soon, it was time for prune layering and oven baking.
When the teacher removed my masterpiece, she even marveled at its perfection all the way to the kuchen cooling counter a home-ec station west. Soon, my classmates' faces of pity turned to jealously, but I slapped their hands. Take my kuchen and yours'll be in your face, I hissed.
When the kuchens were cool and the class over, Leslie and I bagged our treats and posed for a photo. My perfect kuchen would make a perfect framed picture. The only problem was, I dropped it.
That's right.
The most beautiful kuchen in the class, and likely the whole world, was suddenly lumpy, uneven and pathetic.
But like the culinary expert I am, I patched her up, wiped her clean and took my kuchen to work the next day where Germans from as far away as the advertising department marveled at its greatness.
So, who wants to visit?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
small-town savior
total bullhead domination
I've been fishing four times now this summer, but it wasn't until this time that I actually caught something. So keep that in mind:
Two Cowboys and a Katie the lady dropped lines into Lake Ashtabula Saturday as part of the Barnes County 18th Annual Bullhead Tournament.
Bullhead: also known as “mud pout", "horned pout" or “mud cat.” A bullhead is a dark, slimy “trash fish” that barks at its captors. Fish are foul enough, but this kind goobers all over AND has whiskers like a cat. Then, once the angler buckets the beast, the fish thrash around and bellow at each other. Many anglers consider it a trash fish as its meat is usually undesirable.
Note: In this story, Cowboy Jr., refers to the Cowboy you’ve met in blogs before. Cowboy Sr. refers to his father, whose nickname REALLY IS Cowboy. And now we enter the Twilight Zone.
Both Cowboys GUARANTEED I'd catch a fish this time, so I prepared myself for total bullhead domination. I pumped iron, drew black squigglies under my eyes and repeated affirmations like "I release my hesitation and make room for victory.”
The pressure was on.
So when I cast Ladyfish Shakespeare, I wanted to make sure I did it right.
Just drop the line in the water and let it drag until it hits the bottom. You’ll know because your line will stop moving, Cowboy Sr. said.
So I did.
The problem was, the boat was moving. So my line kept moving. And I never stopped it. For 10 whole minutes.
We must be really deep, I thought.
I asked Cowboy, Jr. if I’d done something wrong. If my line was in sight, I was blind to it. I'm no pro, but it just felt wrong.
Nope, it’s fine, he assured me.
But when the fishy monitor read 12 feet, it was clear. Something's up.
Hoping no one would notice, I started reeling in. Ten minutes later, Cowboy Sr. said MOVING ON, so everyone started reeling along with me. The Cowboys finished in under a minute. I took half an hour.
Finally, my line appeared in the horizon but seemed to leap like a skipped rock over water.
Hmm... that’s funny I thought. There’s supposed to be a weight on there. Why is it floating?
She’s got a fish! Cowboy, Sr. said.
And I had.
A baby bass.
I'm not sure how long little fishie held on while I reeled my line from the Pacific Ocean and back, but I drafted a letter to PETA offering my apologies. Cowboy Sr. threw him back, but it didn't matter.
I’d caught something.
But I had to catch more. Suddenly, I had a craving for it.
I yearned for another catch the way I yearn for frozen peanut butter balls.
Just one more and I'm done. Two more, I swear. I'll trade you my checking account for a peanut butter ball. I'll trade you MY CAR for a peanut butter ball. GIVE ME PEANUT BUTTER BALLS OR GIVE ME DEATH, DAMNIT.
Careful not to cast incorrectly, I focused on fishing as one of the boys adjusted my jigger and wormed my hook.
Children whined in the pontoon next to us. I need bait! Take this fish off! they cried.
Quiet! I shouted back. We, experienced anglers, need to concentrate.
Ladyfish and I stood shoulders back and head high. We focused on the task ahead like Tiger Woods on the 18th green. I dropped my line directly into the water, set my reel and cast my eyes to the mossy hills and mooing cows surrounding me. (How clean is that water? Anyone wanna swim?)
No sooner had hook hit bottom but Ladyfish tripled her weight. Then she curved like a horseshoe.
Something’s wrong, I said, looking at Cowboy Jr. like I do when he wears t-shirts with cut-off sleeves.
It’s not wrong, you caught a fish!! he said with the same excitement typically reserved for kitchen fires and traffic accidents.
Whhaaaa, I screamed. Call 911...
So I reeled and reeled, ignoring the buzz of the line as the fish swam faster than I turned the crank. Ladyfish yelped along with me, her line tugging in both my direction and that of the fish. Imagine the stretch marks...
But Ladyfish didn’t care. She’s tough. She’s strong. And she’s pink.
Finally I could see the bullhead, fighting for his life and summoning to the power of the Ladyfish before him.
I reeled the line as much as I could, then turned my body so as to bring the fish to the boat, but not my face to the fish.
Is that a catch or a kitten? I asked, awed by the whiskers before me.
You take it off for her, Cowboy Sr. said, eyeing the depth to which the hook protruded the fish’s stomach. He swaller’ed her.
Using a pincher that looked more like a revolver than the hook-removing apparatus of its birth, Cowboy reached into fishie’s bowels and set Ladyfish free.
We we off to fish again.
And since it was so late in the day, I guess the fishies had eaten their lunch. But one wanted dessert.
Reel, reel, reel, I worked, knowing I could handle it this time. I’d caught two sea demons by now. Naturally, I was an expert. Nothing could stop me. I had talent. I had grace. I had Ladyfish.
But as soon as I lifted the bull in the boat, Ladyfish died.
She'd suffered a fatal fracture snapping in two like I wanted to snap that mud cat in two. But I didn’t. Because it was slimy.
The good news is, doctors said, she felt no pain.
But it didn’t matter.
I mourned the death of Ladyfish the way my dad cried when Reggie Bush pushed Matt Leinart for USC’s win against Notre Dame: with pounded fists, ripped t-shirts and a lifetime supply of malt whiskey.
I was just about to recite Ladyfish’s eulogy when I heard, FIXED ‘ER!
Fused together with country cleverness and a little fish grease, Ladyfish was shorter, but she was very much alive. Cowboy Sr. had evoked the power of the Phoenix and breathed new life into my fallen fishing pole.
My hero! I swarmed, hugging his neck, kissing his cheeks and wondering if its inappropriate to dump the son and date the father.
But my thoughts quickly shifted to the task at hand. I had fish to catch. And the babies in the boat next door hooked fish so well, we called them professional hookers.